“The entire world is against me” is what I used to feel, but as I aged, the universe got bigger and I realized the world included much more than the high school I walked to and fro every day. Of course, I realized the universe was a lot larger than that, but it’s hard to see pass the emotional and psychological barriers in front of me as a child.
I once whispered to myself on top of the peak of Grouse Mountain, “I have climbed this mountain. There is nothing more that be can as hard as this.” Of course, naivety was a strong point in my youth. Rather than just my youth and rather than simply naivety, I had ‘hope’ that life ahead wouldn’t be much harder than climbing that mountain. Note that my friends and I hiked and climbed Grouse Mountain. We didn’t stair climb up the Grouse Grind and we did this during the ass end of Winter when the mountain had over fifteen feet of snow. The peak of Grouse Mountain opened my eyes to a lot of scenery. South of us was the Lower Mainland. North of us were peaks upon peaks upon peaks of mountain tops stretching as far as our eyes could see. I still remember when Roger remarked, “There are more mountains behind Grouse Mountain!?”
It was cold. My feet were wet. Clearly, I didn’t know what to expect from the hike. On the way down, we passed by a sign that said “DANGER!” That was when I realized we weren’t supposed to be back there.
I guess this one instance in my past was a defining moment why I got into Summer and Spring time hiking with my friends from as early as 2003 to 2009. It wasn’t until 2009 that I found out I didn’t like hiking that much because it hurt my legs, feet and back a lot. The scenery was great and I had fantastic moments with my friends, but the actual activity nearly killed me every time. Since 2010, I stuck with cycling.
Cycling allows me to think and in some ways, meditate. Don’t worry, I don’t go into a trance-like state. That’s dangerous on roads. It’s more like a method in which to talk to myself, question my motives, criticize the things I am doing or want to do. I am my best friend and worst enemy.
Leemanism was born April 1st of 2006, but my first post was dated March 23rd which was a week after Cindy and I broke up.
What holds me down is not a religion, a god, a certain set of ideals, but a chain reaction of all that has happened since before I was born. My greatest joy is perspective and being able to provide. My greatest fears are blindness, death and illness of loved ones, being homeless and losing my memory.
The question I ask the least is also the question that is constantly at the back of my mind. “Where are you?”